WWE does the Golden Compass sort of!
by Scorpina
Summary: What happens when the WWE superstars are suddenly given spirit animals? What must they do to get everything back to normal? What animal do the superstars have? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

Golden Compass… sort of… WWE style!

Chapter 1- intro

Worlds exist outside of our own, however no one knows how to get to them, understand them or know what any of them could contain…

"My God, why am I even bothering to watch this!" muttered Edge as he sat with Orton in a movie theatre.

"Shut up man, it was the only movie not busy that we could watch! You know this one has been boycotted!"

"Yeah, yeah, a girl and a talking ferret. You know if I had one of those, mine would be something kick ass!"

"Shut the hell up!" came a growl from behind them. Both Edge and Orton turned to see Batista. "Some of us are trying to watch the movie!"

"Yeah, you! Screw this, I am going to play in the video game area" Edge hissed as he got out of his seat and left before the great polar bear fright. He could hear Dave already announcing that would be his spirit animal… or something much more frightening.

Edge found his way into the tech town of the movie theatre. He got his tokens and debated on what game he wanted to try. The choices were there… but what to do first.

However, a sudden air hockey puck to the back of the head… knocking out the R rated Superstar…


	2. Chapter 2 What the hell

Chapter 2- What the hell is that doing in my bed!?

Edge stirred for what seemed like forever. He couldn't recall what happened, yet the moment he awoke… did he let out a shriek in terror. On his bed, staring right at him… was a fox! "AHHHH FFFFOOOOXXXX!" he screamed and tried to run out of the locker room. He wasn't the only one freaked out. All about were superstars with strange animals following them around…. Like in the movie. "Damn it!" Edge sneered as he saw the likes of the Undertaker walk by him.

"What the hell is going on?" Taker muttered to Edge. "We're all passed out in a locker room… next thing you know… here we are… being followed by animals… what the hell is with the fox?" he asked as his finger pointed to the scruffy thing.

"I don't know… where's yours?" Edge asked. Taker stepped off to the side; sitting proudly behind him was a large, black wolf of all things. "A wolf? You get a wolf and I get a damn fox?" he demanded.

"Don't knock it!" called Triple H. He joins the conversation with a less than happy tone. "I got a rat," he explained as he showed his animal that perched on his shoulder.

Taker smirked. "Whom did Batista get?" he asked. There was a smirk on the Deadman; he seemed to be amused more and more as to who got what animal.

Triple H started to snicker as he waved the two men to follow him, Taker already grinning from ear to ear, expecting something very amusing to come from this. Hunter took them to Batista's locker room, where he was already cursing and swearing aloud. "THIS CAN'T BE! I'M THE ANIMAL BATISTA!" he yelled aloud. "HOW THE HELL DID I END UP WITH YOU!" The three men snuck into the locker room as Batista paced about, trying to understand his creature. Peering closer and closer, the snickers could hardly be contained. The Deadman for once lost all sense of himself as he fell to the floor laughing his ass off.

"OH GOD! HAHAHAHA!"

"Shut up Taker!" Batista snapped back. Sitting calmly and peacefully on a chair was Batista's animal… a floppy eared bunny.

"What's with all the screaming?"

The men turned to face Kane; his eyes came upon the floppy eared bunny. He smiled to it as he looked to the men in the room. "Whom does it belong to?" Kane asked.

"None of your business" Growled Batista.

"Ah, it's Dave's huh?"

"Shut up! I like to see your animal!" Dave grinned.

Kane was more than willing to oblige, he stepped off to the side as every jaw dropped in the room. Lingering behind the monster… was a Siberian Tiger! "What are the odds huh? I get a tiger of all things!"

"This is so f—ked!" muttered Edge.

"Come on. Let's see if the guys are in need of some assistance. I just hope Khali doesn't have an elephant or something…" Muttered the Undertaker.

As they made their way through the locker room, Edge noticed every superstar had an animal with them, a very large over grown pet as it were. Snitsky had a python; Randy Orton kept his hidden still. Shawn had a hawk, Khali had an Indian tiger and various others were to be hold… but Edge didn't care. 'Why do I have the feeling I am being punished for not watching the movie all the way through?' he thought to himself.

The talent gathered in the stands as Taker and Kane stood in the middle of the ring. "Why are you two calling the shots?" demanded Orton.

"I got a wolf, he has a big ass cat. You want to do something about it?" Taker demanded.

Orton sat down as he kept his hands cupped over his animal. "What did you get?" Edge asked. Reluctantly Randy showed Edge his animal. Edge snickered and laughed as Orton hid a guinea pig from the guys…. The legend killer…. Has a guinea pig!

"Ok, now since this is rather… odd… messed up… and some wad confusing. I am guessing someone has done something to piss off a higher being in power… Orton, I'm looking at you" Taker announced.

"Hey, I sat through the movie once Edge left!" he shot back. Taker's eyes came to Edge.

"You got something you want to share?"

"Uh… no… no I don't" was Edge's response.

"Well then, I say we get something to eat and think this through" Kane called aloud. He turned to his big ass cat. "Come on Tony"

"Tony?" questioned the guys.

"Yeah… You know. Tony the tiger?"

"Anyone caught saying the catchphrase…" Taker warned as his wolf growled to everyone. He and Kane left as everyone else stared at their spirit animals.

I stared at the fox beside me "This is f—ked" Edge said to it.

"I know, you boys have no idea do you"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH TALKING FOX!" Screamed the R rated Superstar


	3. Chapter 3 The talking animals

Chapter 3- the talking animals- Edge

I didn't know why, I just had to run. Run as far and fast as I can from the talking fox, however no matter where I went, the thing just caught up with me! The damn fox managed to keep up with me! "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed at it.

"You don't understand what's going on, do you Adam!?" it shouted back.

I had to pause… the damn thing called me by my real name. Slowly, I stopped and turned to it. The fox sat right in front of me and looked very puzzled. "I am your soul! I cannot be far from you! We are connected as one, will you listen to me now?" she asked.

"Uh… ok… but… can we try not talking to one another? I am a little creeped out my talking animals. I mean, I haven't even seen that movie Babe with the singing pig…"

"Will you stop blabbering!" she snapped back. "My name is Haze," she explained. Slowly my head nodded to her. "Do you understand what is coming out of my mouth?" she asked.

"I… think… so…" just then I saw Taker walking near by. "Uh… Taker… is your wolf talking to you?" I asked of him.

The Deadman paused as he turned to the wolf that trailed him. "He just figured out now you talked, Knights!" Taker smirked.

The wolf gave a vicious snicker. "Youths" it growled lowly like the Deadman, however had a sudden pleasant Canadian accent to it! "Haze, tell your human why we exist will you? His buggy eyes are creeping me out" the wolf called to the fox. She only nodded as Knights followed the Deadman into the locker room. I found myself up against the wall and sliding slowly down to the ground.

Haze approached and gently pawed me. "Adam, do you know how we came to exist outside of your body?" she asked.

My head shook no to her. "I suppose you are going to tell me huh?"

"No, I asked you for that is what we need to find out! We are not to be living outside of your body like this… it's not right. You and your friends need to find a way to fix this!" she said.

"And if we don't?" I asked of her.

"Balance will begin to tilt, worlds will crumble and all will being to fade into nothingness!"

"Damn it, I really should have watched the movie" I growled lowly to myself.

"Adam… we need to find something to fix this. Before it's too late!" Haze announced.

"Yeah, yeah what is it? A golden compass or something?" I asked of her.

"No, the silver thermometer!" she corrected.

I had to pause to that for a moment, slowly I stared at Haze. "Are you sh-tting me? A silver thermometer!"

"The golden compass only exists in one world, not this one"

"Son of a bitch…" I growled.

Kane suddenly walked by. "Hey Edge, what this about something we have to find? Sonja was just telling me about it…"

"I thought you name your tiger Tony!"

"He did… but I am no male" the tiger purred back. "Haze, we have some work ahead of us, he's been briefed hasn't he?"

"Indeed he has…" as the two spirit animals talked. I turned to Kane slowly and back away from the fox and tiger.

"Uh… Kane… isn't this creeping you out?" I whispered to him.

Kane only smirked. "No, not really. I've always wanted a tiger!"


	4. Chapter 4 The search

Chapter 4- The search.

"A silver thermometer… are you kidding me?" Taker demanded of me.

"Not according to Haze." I growled lowly. We were in talks with the locker room once more. Chris Jericho sat not too far away with his spirit animal… a lion. "Why the hell did you get a lion? I'm from Canada too you know! You should have gotten a moose or something!"

"Whatever man, I was known as Lionheart in Mexico and Japan, the lion is very fitting for me" Chris shot back with a smirk.

"I could take him," his lion muttered to him.

"I know you could, but at the moment we need all the help we can get" Chris whispered back.

At the same time Taker and Knights rolled their eyes to the two of us. "How about we cut the bickering and start looking for this damn thermometer or whatever the hell it is." Taker announced.

"But… where do we start looking?" questioned Hunter.

"No idea" Taker replied. "But here would be just about as good as any place to start. Split up and call if you find anything. Teams of four, Edge and Jericho, you two are a team with Haze and… what the hell is the name of your lion?"

"Simba" smirked Jericho.

"Figures, nothing is original anymore," sighed Sonja the tiger.

"Tell me about it" smirked Kane.

"Will you stop talking to each other like that? God, it's creeping the hell out of me!" I yelled.

Everyone in the room stared at me oddly. "Wow… he finally lost it," laughed Kane.

"You don't see Orton talking to his! Or Batista!" I snapped back. However I turned around and saw Dave whispering in the rabbit's ear, telling it to ignore me. Orton was about to do the same yet stopped himself before I caught him… I knew he was thinking it.

"I'm sorry for my human… he's not all there right now," Haze announced in apology as she nudged me out of the room. I tried to protest, but she was stronger than she looked. The moment we were out, she pounced me! Pinning my shoulders to the floor. "Don't you dare embarrass me like that again Adam!" she sneered and bared her teeth to me.

"Embarrass you! What the hell do you have to be embarrassed for? You're a fox damn it!"

"The other souls listen to me, and with the way you have insulted them tarnishes my name! Either keep your yap shut or I will be forced to drastic measures!" she warned. Damn fox. She got off the moment the door opened. Chris Jericho walked out with Simba.

"So, we ready to start looking?" Chris asked aloud.

Haze stared at me angrily. "Uh… yeah… yeah, let's start looking. Damn, why of all things does it have to be a silver thermometer?" I asked aloud.

"I don't know about you, I just want to make sure it was taken orally… not… the other end"

"Oh grow up Jericho!" I snapped back at him.

"Hey Edge, Raw is constipated, they need their asshole back" he fired back at me. Simba the lion snickered loudly as even Haze began to laugh at me. Damn animals, I can't wait to be rid of them all!


	5. Chapter 5 The Search is on

Chapter 5- The search is on

Searching up and down the halls. Chris kept talking along the way. "You know I have always wondered what my inner animal was, I always assumed it was a lion and all. But still to physically see it…"

"Oh I know, I am just as surprised as you are. Why do you call yourself the sexy beast?" Simba questioned.

"Will you two please shut it!" I snapped.

Chris and his lion stared at me oddly. "Taker was right, you are creeped out by talking animals aren't you. You know Batista has been talking to his."

"What did he name his, Floppy?"

"No that was the name of the Highlander movie you were in"

"OH BURN!" snickered Simba.

"Shut up!" I growled lowly. "I can't wait for this to be said and done, no more talking critters" I muttered under my breath. Haze stopped suddenly. I kept on walking until I could no longer take a step! "What the hell…"

Chris turned to me with a smirk. "I think you need to apologize to someone," he said in a stern tone. "You hurt her feelings"

"Oh as if I am going to apologize to a fox! Chris, it's not going to happen… why the hell can't I move?" I demanded.

Simba took it from there. "Right now, I am more than willing to maul you, however if I hurt you… I hurt Haze, and I got more respect for her since she is putting up with you! You can't go very far from your soul, so you go and make amends with her… or forget about getting your little normal life back!"

"We'll meet you in the trainers room Edge" Chris announced as they went ahead of us. I cursed and yelled at Jericho to come back with this damn oversize cat, but they didn't listen… Damn him.

Slowly I turned to Haze, who had turned her back on me and refused to even look me in the eyes. "I do believe someone is being an ass!" she growled lowly.

"Look, I'm sorry ok!"

"You don't mean it!" she snapped back. "You never wanted me here when I am a part of you damn it! You are cleaver like a fox, why do you think your soul took the form of one!" she demanded of me. "The Undertaker is a lone man, yet has great leadership skills… like the dominant wolf in a pack, they look out for their own as he has looked out for the likes of you!" she growled.

I… I never saw it that way. "Why did Dave Batista have a bunny as his?" I asked.

Haze smirked. "I don't know, maybe he's fluffy on the inside! All I know is this Adam… if we continue to fight and not complete this mission… we are all doomed. You, me and all of our worlds… please, stop resisting and help me!" she pleaded.

I hate to admit to her, but she was right, we have to do something before whatever the hell is going to happen, happen! "Ok, Let's do it Haze!" I said to her.

We rush to catch up with Chris, Haze asked me though, "What's this I hear about a movie flop?" she asked.

"That's nothing, wait till you hear about the movie 'Ready to Rumble' It makes mine look like a cult classic!"


	6. Chapter 6 looking about

Chapter 6- looking about

Haze and I joined Jericho in the trainer's room, why… I don't know… I fail to understand him anymore. "It's not here Chris, it was a good guess though" Simba announced.

"What were you looking for in here?" I asked of him.

"Well, the medical team would have something if one of us falls ill, a thermometer is all part of the equipment no? Question is… where could it be now if it's not here" he asked aloud.

"Question is, who the hell would even have a silver thermometer?" I demanded, the whole idea sounded ridiculous to me. But one person came to mind. "Vince" I whispered.

"You think McMahon has a silver thermometer?" Chris asked.

"He does have a kiss my ass club"

"Ah, good point!" smirked Jericho. We rushed to find a McMahon… any McMahon… but we settled for Triple H. "Close enough" Chris whispered to me as he was searching about the place.

"Hunter, I got a question for you!" I called aloud.

He turned to me as he just finished searching through random bags with his rat. "Yeah?"

"Does… Does Vince have a silver thermometer of his own?"

The idea struck him as an odd suggestion, but he shrugged his shoulders. "Knowing where it's probably been… I wouldn't care to find out… even if it is the one we are looking for"

"Hunter, suck it up and tell us," demanded Haze. "Does he or does he not!"

"What went up your hairy ass?"

"Your rat is going up yours if you don't answer me!" Haze growled back. Wow… she's got spunk! I was rather impressed with my spirit animal!

"Look, I don't know ok! I really don't. I would tell you if I knew, honestly, besides Taker already interrogated me with his wolf. I don't know where else to look"

"That makes two of us" came the voice of the wolf. Taker wasn't too far behind as he and Knights joined us. Kane and Sonja did too.

"I checked everywhere. Nothing" muttered Kane. "This is more trouble than it's worth"

"I agree," sighed Sonja.

"We have to keep looking, you know it as well as I do" announced Knights. Damn, he really acts like Taker!

Just then JBL approached us, looking rather unsure of himself. Taker was perplexed as to Bradshaw's spirit animals. "What the hell is that?" he demanded.

Turning around, JBL shrugged his shoulders. "It's like a jackrabbit with deer antlers!"

"A Jackalope?" Taker asked. "Weird… even for you"

"Yeah, but that's nothing. Lookie here as to what I just got! It's to show I am richer than you all even in sickness! I got me a silver Thermometer!" he said proudly as he showed off his new trinket.

Haze and all the spirit animals looked to one another and gave a nod. "GET HIM!" Knights announced as JBL was forced to the ground. Taker took the thermometer out of JBL's hands.

"Thank you, we were looking for this. Come on let's set this damn thing right again!"

"How?" asked Kane.

"Damn it Kane, why do you have to go and complicate things!" laughed Chris. Kane however responded the only way he knew how… by punching Jericho in the arm hard enough for Simba to feel it! Simba growled lowly to the cheep shot, yet Sonja growled to him.

"Oh shut it, he had it coming"

"That's one tough pus…"

"Edge, finish that sentence… and you will be in a lot of pain." Kane warned him. Damn cats, why do they all have to be so sensitive!


	7. Chapter 7 Puzzling trouble

Chapter 7- Puzzling trouble (slight spoiler alert to the golden Compass movie)

Taker sat in the locker room with Kane, Jericho and myself. He bounced the odd thermometer in his hands, trying to think of what needs to be done with it. Chris seemed to be in a world of his own. "You know what I find odd…" he asked aloud.

All eyes turned to Chris, thinking some insane logic is going to cure the situation. "What?" Kane asked.

"In the golden compass movie… do the kids get their souls from the parent's souls?" he asked.

The room went into an awkward quite until Knights sneezed aloud to break the tension. "Why the hell are you asking that?!" Taker demanded of him.

"Well if you think about it. Lyra's parent's souls were a monkey and a tiger… you think they would be doing it since their human counterparts are? I mean the souls feel their pain and vise versa…. I've just been quite curious about it"

Taker rolled his eyes as Kane blinked in great confusion. "Why the hell would you want to see a monkey do it with a tiger?"

"Not to mention if it would ever happen. No offense Glen sweetie, but if you fell for a girl and it was a monkey… and it tried to do what he's suggesting… you would not be happy with me!" Sonja announced fearlessly.

"We're getting off track!" growled the Deadman. "What the hell do we do with this thing now that we have it! Haze?" Taker questioned as he turned to her. "Any ideas?"

Haze sat there in thought. "Well… I do believe it needs to be destroyed… how… I am not certain"

"I'll just step on the damn thing!" Taker announced.

"NO! It must be done properly… but… I don't know how," she whispered.

"Well… we're screwed!" Knights announced. "If you need me I am in the tub!" Knights went to the bathroom and decided to catch some sleep. Taker watched on very perplexed until suddenly he fell asleep where he sat. Taker crashed to the floor and was out like a light.

"Wow… I didn't see that coming," muttered Kane.

"That was rather cool… but he's going to be bruised after that one" smirked Jericho. Odd thing was… when Taker crashed… the thermometer rolled out of his hands and under the doorway. We rushed out to get it, only to see Big Daddy V crushing it under his foot! This… this wasn't good. "Hey, did you guys find that silver thermometer?" he asked.

"Yeah… it's under your damn foot!" I growled lowly to him. V lifted his foot to see the crushed remains of the silver trinket we spent all day looking for.

"My bad" was all he could say before walking off. His spirit animal… which happened to be a Komodo dragon walked by the broken glass. We were at a loss for words. Sonja let out a sigh.

"Do I wake the Undertaker and tell him, or do we use someone more disposable?" she questioned.

"Disposable" was everyone's answer.


	8. Chapter 8 Back to Reality END

Chapter 8- back to reality

Due to lack of disposable people… well… Santino was out with Maria as Jonathan Coachman was nowhere to be found. Kane and Jericho voted for me to wake the Deadman… refused to do it. So reluctantly it was left to Taker little brother to do the job. "Why not, isn't that what siblings are for?" I asked.

I was given a very stern staring from the big red monster, however at least it was him… not me dealing with the sleepy Undertaker. Kane spent a good twenty minutes trying to wake up Taker, with no luck what so ever, on the bright side for me, he lost his voice in the process! Kane was stumped as Jericho left to get him something to drink in order to get the big red monster's voice back. However, I was more than willing to do without it. Haze hasn't kept her eyes off the shattered thermometer; she was depressed, I could tell. So, now that we found what we were looking for… only to have it shattered, we were pretty much screwed.

"What else did you try to wake up Taker?" I asked of Kane.

He cleared his voice the best he could. "I screamed in his ear, stomped about, broke a plate, knocked over a TV…" he went on for a good five minutes. However when Kane could no longer attempt to wake the Deadman, Jericho went in and tried. He too failed. "He sleeps like the dead, what can I say…" Kane explained just as we heard Taker snoring through the door.

"Too bad he doesn't sound like it" I muttered.

Chris returned when Kane's drink as we tried to think of another way. "How the hell did this all get started anyway?" questioned Jericho.

"All I remember was walking out of the Golden Compass movie and then getting pegged in the back of the head…" suddenly Kane and Chris stared at me oddly. "What?"

"You got hit in the head?" Chris asked.

"And not by me?" demanded Kane. "This is strange"

"So… what do you think it all means?" I asked.

"You're dreaming Edge, so wake up" Kane growled, he grabbed and shook me, and yelled for me to wake up.

Everything became a blur until my eyes opened a short while later. Kane was standing over me with the Deadman. "See I told you, you hit the air hockey puck too hard!" growled Taker.

"Well I warned you about my wicked backhand didn't I!" Kane snapped back.

"Ow… my head" I moaned.

"What do we tell Vince?" Taker muttered.

"Khali did it!" Kane replied with a smirk. Not knowing the Punjabi giant was standing right behind him.

"Asshole" muttered the Khali.

"I'm just kidding you!"

"Will you all shut up! My head is killing me!" I yelled at them. I picked the air hockey puck off the ground and stared at it angrily for a while, how could one little disk knock me out. Kane appeared to be rather proud of himself for the accomplishment.

"Imagine… knocking out someone with a small bit of plastic!"

"Oh shut up already!" I growled as I picked myself off the ground. "Isn't he a pain in the ass Haze?"

I then realized what just came out of my mouth. Everyone stared at me oddly. Taker had a smirk. "And whose Haze?" he asked as his eyes widened in curiosity.

I knew I couldn't hide it from the Deadman, and told him what happened on the way to the hotel. The guys were killing themselves laughing, what got them all was Batista's inner animal being a bunny. "Not cool man, that is really NOT COOL!" Dave growled to me. "Why the hell would I have a bunny rabbit as my spirit animals. I'm the ANIMAL BATISTA!" he called aloud proudly. "It should be a dragon or something"

"The bunny suits you Dave, let's face it. You're nothing but a teddy bear to the ladies" smirked Randy Orton. "Unlike my inner beast, which has to be awesome… Right Edge?" Orton asked with a smirk.

I bit my tongue on that one… I didn't answer Orton. However I couldn't help but think of the dumb ass question Jericho asked in my odd dream… How do the kids get their souls in the Golden Compass? Would they really show a tiger and a monkey doing it… and how the hell does that end up giving the kid a ferret?! Next time… I think I will stay home rather than go to the movies…


End file.
